Covet A Brainy Tune

conversationsaboutvideogames:

GF:  I am LOST in a MAZE of sewer tunnels! 

Me:  Good thing you can’t smell them.  

GF:  OH MY GOD EXCELLENT POINT.  

Me:  Your poor character.

GF:  It’s too bad they don’t make enchanted nose plugs or something. Or waste-repellant boots, because—seriously—you should see the “water” my character had to walk through.

Me:  Ew. Sewage! …Do they have sewers in Tamriel? Or are they not up to that point of development yet?

GF:  That’s what I was thinking! When is this supposed to take place? I would think a sewage/plumbing system would be too advanced…

Me:  But in Skyrim they have sewers. Up in Solitude, at least.

GF:  But Skyrim takes place several hundreds years later.

Me:  Exactly. In Oblivion, it might be too early for them to recognize the importance of sanitation.

Me: …I can’t believe we’re discussing this. Go kill something with magic!

GF:  …I guess the sewers were just a way for the developers to add more mystery to the game. I mean, the game citizens don’t even have TOILETS.

Me: Seriously, we can’t talk about this any more. Go slay something.

GF:  Why? Is it bothering you?

Me:  No, just, it’s a game. I don’t need to wonder about where the people in Bravil go to take a shit.

conversationsaboutvideogames:

EGo:  THE END IS NIGH!

Me:  The end of Skyrim?

EGo:  The end times as foretold in prophecy!

Me:  Yes. I am the harbinger of doom, because I can’t go back and play another 30 hours of this game just for that achievement.*

Me:  Prepare for Ragnarok.

EGo:  Now I have to look up what that achievement entails.

Me:  Basically, I let ONE person live when I should have killed them.

EGo:  Death is always the answer.

Me:  If I had made this mistake closer to the end of my game, I wouldn’t care. But I screwed up something like 80 hours ago.

EGo:  What are you going to play now?

Me:  I’m going to play, “stare at the wall in self-loathing,” at least for the time being.

EGo:  Ah, I 100%ed that game.

(*Note: the quest that I screwed up was Waking Nightmare. The one time I’m nice and let someone live…)

conversationsaboutvideogames:

Me:  I accidentally killed Ghorbash after clearing a good portion of a dungeon. No recent save, so I’m not reloading.

GF:  Why is it so hard for you to keep your companions alive? How did he go?

Me:  He didn’t drop down into this tunnel shaft with me. Just stayed at the top like a pansy. I know he was up there because I ran all the way back when I didn’t see him with me. I could hear him coughing his orc cough at the top of the hole.

GF:  Haha! That phlegmy cough: the one thing he’ll be remembered for.

Me:  So, when I came back up, I thought he was a Draugr and killed him by accident. I even tried to turn away from him at the last second so my mace wouldn’t hit him, but it didn’t work.

GF:  You animal! Can’t control the bloodlust.

Me:  He was carrying all of my blacksmithing equipment. I had to take everything off his dead body. I’m so over-encumbered right now that not even Strength potions help.

Me:  My max carry weight is 525… I’m at 796 right now.

GF:  Oh no. What are you gonna do?

Me:  Slowly walk out of this mine. And get on Shadowmere.

Me:  I’m finally out.  …This quest-giver is walking away from me faster than I can get to him to turn the quest in. Luckily he got stuck on Shadowmere’s body or he would have gotten away from me.

GF:  Haha!

Me:  On Shadowmere now… Oh my gosh, fast traveling has spoiled me. What is this “riding to the nearest town” bullshit? I guess I could drop some of the stuff I’m carrying… BUT A KHAJIIT DOES NOT LEAVE HIS GOODS BEHIND.

conversationsaboutvideogames:

(Note: I told my girlfriend for the longest that she should play The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. She was reluctant, as it would be her first real RPG. Then she saw me playing Skyrim. Once she realized that Oblivion was the precursor to the awesomeness in Skyrim, she resolved to start playing its prequel.)

GF:  God fucking damnit, I’m pissed. Oblivion! 

Me:  What happened? 

GF:  One of my quests is to go kill everyone in this family. I got to the guy’s house to kill him. Kill his assistant for good measure, too. And then I leave, but I’m pursued by a guard, which means I can’t fast travel.

GF:  So I run. Find this inn. Turns out that’s the place where I’m supposed to deliver that mysterious wine you saw me grab that one time. And then the fucking guard arrives, so I resist arrest, and the wine lady fights him with me (because we’re buddies now), and we kill him. I loot, I leave. I want to fast travel now that he’s dead. BUT I CAN’T. I’m being persued by the other town guards!

GF:  Which means that of COURSE I’m gonna reload and do EVERYTHING over, because like hell am I letting him take my stolen goods. But I’m angry because I JUST WASTED A HALF HOUR.

Me:  Welcome to RPG’s, baby. Losing progress because of a need to reload is a right of passage.  

GF:  I hate it.

Me:  Save often! 

GF:  I do!

GF:  I’m sorry, I’m just angry. It’s not you, it’s me.

GF:  I just washed the dishes to release stress.

conversationsaboutvideogames:

EGo: In Skyrim you can enchant your own stuff?

Me: Indeed! There is also a cheevo for having 100,000 gold. Which I have hit. And now have piles of fucking money.

EGo: Do you have Lydia just roll around in it?

Me: Didn’t you see my tweets? LYDIA IS DEAD. I KILLED HER BY ACCIDENT. 

EGo: Yeah, that’d be when I’d reload.

Me: I did, seriously, at least 50 or 60 times. But then she died in the… What’s the place called… 

EGo: Plot-area? 

Me: Yes. Sort of. Sidequest. She died in Blackreach, which is this amazing underground cavern with these giant, luminescent mushrooms. And it was just…uh…beautiful. So I was like, this is a good spot to just let her die. So her body is still down there.

Me: I AM WEIRD. I was like, this is a good final resting place… For someone that ISN’T REAL.

EGo: What about the local digital wildlife? Or did you murder them all?

Me: They are dead. …All of the ones that patrol that area, anyway. 

EGo: Good. Peace.

Me: Exactly.

(Post title stolen from Rock, Paper Shotgun’s amazing “Ode to Lydia”.)

[Act VII, Scene II, Continued]

Lifts-Her-Tail: My goodness, that’s quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?
Crantius Colto: This loaf isn’t ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.
Lifts-Her-Tail: If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?
Crantius Colto: Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.
Lifts-Her-Tail: You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?
Crantius Colto: Of course.
Lifts-Her-Tail: But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.
Crantius Colto: Don’t fret, my delicate flower. I’ll satisfy the mistress’ cravings later.
Lifts-Her-Tail: Very well, but I’m afraid my oven isn’t hot enough. It could take hours!
Crantius Colto: Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

[End of Act VII, Scene II]