This guard gave me a lovely pose, coupled with the motion blur provided by the ENB.
This guard gave me a lovely pose, coupled with the motion blur provided by the ENB.
Me: How many hours have you logged in Oblivion, now?
GF: Um… Over 120.
Me: YEAHHHHHH! 120 HOURS!
GF: Dude, I know. That’s… FIVE DAYS. In Oblivion. I don’t think I’ve even spent that long on homework/studying combined so far in this semester.
Me: Also, it’s technically five days in Tamriel, and then a few hours in Oblivion, because you hate Oblivion gates.
GF: Yes, yes. Minor technicality. I meant Oblivion the game, not the actual planes of Oblivion, but I apologize nonetheless.
Me: Anyway, me being pedantic aside, how does this make you feel, spending all this time in one game?
GF: I regret nothing!
(Note: Normally, I just blog the things that people and I type to each other over Gchat, since I’m usually at work. Today at home, though, I sat next to my GF as she played Oblivion and recorded what was going on. So, you’ll see some contextual explanations about what’s happening on the screen.)
GF: I’m supposed to go kill some vampires, so why is the map telling me to leave? I think it’s smarter than I am.
Me: It’s like, “Don’t go in here!”
GF: “You don’t want to do this!”
<She has her character sneakily walk farther into the cave. Suddenly, a Bloodcrust Vampire comes out of fucking nowhere and attacks her.>
GF: AHHHHH! NO! NO! NO! No no no!
<She uses her fireball spell on him. He disappears.>
Me: Where did he go?
GF: I don’t know! He’s invisible!
<The Bloodcrust Vampire reappears. She blasts him again, kills him, and commences looting.>
GF: Ooooohhh, “Dagger of the Dynamo”. That’s the dagger equivalent of my bow! So I will take it.
<She continues to wander the cavern, frying vampires, wondering why none of them have any good loot. She comes across the mouth of a tunnel where two vampires commence having a conversation.>
Female Vampire: How are you today?
Male Vampire: Fantastic—
<She fireball blasts them before the Male Vampire can keep talking. She starts laughing.>
GF: You’re not doing so fantastic right now!
<More looting and giggling.>
GF: I hate caves. Anybody home? …I FOUND YOU!
<She shoots off more fireballs at the Bloodcrust Vampires she’s discovered. They disappear.>
GF: Ohhhh, they’re invisible! That’s not fair, that’s cheating!
Me: You’re invisible.
GF: No, I have Chameleon at 5%. That isn’t the same.
<She kills them despite their invisibility and continues on her sneaky way. Another Bloodcrust Vampire almost spots her, but then goes back to his normal routine.>
Male Vampire #2: Nothing to worry about, I guess. Just my eyes playing tricks on me.
GF: Ha, you gotta lay off the skooma.
<She fireballs his face.>
GF: I am LOST in a MAZE of sewer tunnels!
Me: Good thing you can’t smell them.
GF: OH MY GOD EXCELLENT POINT.
Me: Your poor character.
GF: It’s too bad they don’t make enchanted nose plugs or something. Or waste-repellant boots, because—seriously—you should see the “water” my character had to walk through.
Me: Ew. Sewage! …Do they have sewers in Tamriel? Or are they not up to that point of development yet?
GF: That’s what I was thinking! When is this supposed to take place? I would think a sewage/plumbing system would be too advanced…
Me: But in Skyrim they have sewers. Up in Solitude, at least.
GF: But Skyrim takes place several hundreds years later.
Me: Exactly. In Oblivion, it might be too early for them to recognize the importance of sanitation.
Me: …I can’t believe we’re discussing this. Go kill something with magic!
GF: …I guess the sewers were just a way for the developers to add more mystery to the game. I mean, the game citizens don’t even have TOILETS.
Me: Seriously, we can’t talk about this any more. Go slay something.
GF: Why? Is it bothering you?
Me: No, just, it’s a game. I don’t need to wonder about where the people in Bravil go to take a shit.
EGo: THE END IS NIGH!
Me: The end of Skyrim?
EGo: The end times as foretold in prophecy!
Me: Yes. I am the harbinger of doom, because I can’t go back and play another 30 hours of this game just for that achievement.*
Me: Prepare for Ragnarok.
EGo: Now I have to look up what that achievement entails.
Me: Basically, I let ONE person live when I should have killed them.
EGo: Death is always the answer.
Me: If I had made this mistake closer to the end of my game, I wouldn’t care. But I screwed up something like 80 hours ago.
EGo: What are you going to play now?
Me: I’m going to play, “stare at the wall in self-loathing,” at least for the time being.
EGo: Ah, I 100%ed that game.
(*Note: the quest that I screwed up was Waking Nightmare. The one time I’m nice and let someone live…)
GF: Why is it so hard for you to keep your companions alive? How did he go?
Me: He didn’t drop down into this tunnel shaft with me. Just stayed at the top like a pansy. I know he was up there because I ran all the way back when I didn’t see him with me. I could hear him coughing his orc cough at the top of the hole.
GF: Haha! That phlegmy cough: the one thing he’ll be remembered for.
Me: So, when I came back up, I thought he was a Draugr and killed him by accident. I even tried to turn away from him at the last second so my mace wouldn’t hit him, but it didn’t work.
GF: You animal! Can’t control the bloodlust.
Me: He was carrying all of my blacksmithing equipment. I had to take everything off his dead body. I’m so over-encumbered right now that not even Strength potions help.
Me: My max carry weight is 525… I’m at 796 right now.
GF: Oh no. What are you gonna do?
Me: Slowly walk out of this mine. And get on Shadowmere.
Me: I’m finally out. …This quest-giver is walking away from me faster than I can get to him to turn the quest in. Luckily he got stuck on Shadowmere’s body or he would have gotten away from me.
Me: On Shadowmere now… Oh my gosh, fast traveling has spoiled me. What is this “riding to the nearest town” bullshit? I guess I could drop some of the stuff I’m carrying… BUT A KHAJIIT DOES NOT LEAVE HIS GOODS BEHIND.
GF: Do you know what I just did?
Me: No, what?
GF: I’ve been close to becoming over-encumbered, so I went into a shop to sell a few of my wares. The guy likes me, so I’ve been getting a few good deals. And then I come across this Argonian heart that I’ve had for a while. I realize I have no use for it, so I just give the heart to this guy. When I back out of the conversation, I realize that the guy I just gave the heart to is ARGONIAN. I’m a disgrace!
Me: Argonians are shady characters anyway! He probably wants it to sell it to ANOTHER Argonian.
GF: Haha! Thank you; my conscience is cleared.
Me: “Ah, yes, Argonian heart. I will take that off your hands. I am just glad that it is not MINE.”
GF: You are absolutely right. Silly lizards! …Amphibians? What are they? Are they slimy lizards? I’ve always thought they were slimy because they love water…
Me: They’re amphibians*. Argonians can breathe underwater. But they certainly look like lizards.
GF: Yes. Okay, at least my confusion is justified.
GF: …I want an Argonian!
Me: They’re PEOPLE! You can’t just HAVE one. …But you could BE one.
GF: I don’t want to BE one. I one as a pet… Or a friend. I really just want to touch one. I want to touch an Argonian’s butt!
Me: Then we can take you to the zoo and you can pet a lizard.
Me: ARGONIANS ARE PEOPLE TOO. You can’t just touch their asses. That’s sexual harassment.
GF: Haha! I love how seriously you’re taking this.
GF: I know they’re people! That’s why I felt so bad that I gave an ARGONIAN merchant an ARGONIAN heart! This whole incident makes me think of, “I’d be an abomination!”
Me: Argonians and Khajiit will buy anything. I wouldn’t feel guilty.
GF: Okay! I don’t anymore.(*Note: I went later and checked; Argonians are definitely reptiles. My apologies to my GF.)
GF: Oh my gosh!
GF: I love this game.
Me: But… Yesterday, you hated it.
GF: That was yesterday. I was speaking from a position of anger.
GF: Anyway, I’m still trying to kill all of the members of the Draconis family. I just happened to tell one of them that I was going to kill her. Then she ran after me, so I ran into the Fighter’s Guild, and all my bros there took out their swords and killed her for me.
GF: And THEN you hear them sheathe their swords and say, “Oh, how are you?” to one of the other guys. And they proceed to have a lovely conversation as if nothing happened.
GF: And I didn’t get a bounty put on me for killing the chick.
Me: That’s because they did the dirty work for you.
GF: Oh, no… Oh, NO. I think I killed Shadowmere!
Me: OH NO! …Can you loot him?
GF: I am a Silencer of the Dark Brotherhood, but never before have I felt the cold sting of death. …Can I loot Shadowmere?
Me: Is he really dead?
GF: I don’t know!
Me: If he’s really dead, I think you can loot him.
GF: He’s gone.
Me: He’s GONE?
GF: Here’s what happened: I rode Shadowmere to a cave, but then the sky turned all red, as it does when you’re close to an Oblivion Gate. And then I see Shadowmere running off. I’m all, “Wait, wait, wait!” Next thing I know he’s fighting these giant… dinosaur-type things.
GF: And now I’m like, “Crap, now I need to kill these shits, before they kill my horse.” So I do. But in the process, Shadowmere looses consciousness twice! When the fight is over, Shadowmere goes limping off, down the snowy mountain, and so I use a couple of my Heal Other scrolls. And then he just keep walking away. I figured he’d stop, but he kept going!
Me: So, he ran out on you.
Me: He’s a fair-weather horse-friend.
GF: Exactly! I don’t blame him. I led him into a trap, really. But he didn’t HAVE to fight. He could have just stayed away. But nooooo.
Me: If you fast travel, he’ll probably show up stabled at an inn.
GF: Oh, but wait! So at this point, that’s what I think will happen. I just go into the damn cavern, kill the 5 vampires I’m supposed to kill, acquire really badass loot, and then leave. But Shadowmere’s nowhere to be seen. THEN I start to panic.
GF: I fast-travel to the Cloud Ruler Temple, to finish up this one quest, thinking Shadowmere will be out in front like normal, but he’s GONE. I searched down the road, and nothing! I don’t know if he escaped. Like, “Fuck you, I’m leaving.” Or if he’s dead.
Me: Fast travel and find out already! The suspense!
GF: Okay, okay, okay.
GF: Oh, sweet Jesus…. Dear Lord… THALOS, WHY??? Shadowmere is gone.
GF: I am not concerned about spelling in a moment like this. I cannot contain my grief. I worked so hard to earn him…
Me: There’s always reloading.
GF: I’m not reloading. That mine was too difficult. I’ve gotten too much loot.
Me: Bye bye, Shadowmere.
GF: NO. NOOOOO! I’m at a stable right now, and they don’t even have my old Paint Horse! He probably left me forever once I got Shadowmere. I don’t blame him, either.
GF: I’m not meant to have horses. I didn’t sign up for that kind of responsibility.
Me: You’re going to run everywhere, now?
GF: Or fast travel… And now I’m being devoured by a mountain lion. What is my life coming to?
(Note: My GF eventually searched the internet, and found a tip saying that she—Shadowmere is a she!—will respawn at Fort Farrugot. So, they were eventually reunited, and rode happily into the sunset. There was one mountain lion harmed during the writing of this blog entry.)
(Note: I told my girlfriend for the longest that she should play The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. She was reluctant, as it would be her first real RPG. Then she saw me playing Skyrim. Once she realized that Oblivion was the precursor to the awesomeness in Skyrim, she resolved to start playing its prequel.)
GF: God fucking damnit, I’m pissed. Oblivion!
Me: What happened?
GF: One of my quests is to go kill everyone in this family. I got to the guy’s house to kill him. Kill his assistant for good measure, too. And then I leave, but I’m pursued by a guard, which means I can’t fast travel.
GF: So I run. Find this inn. Turns out that’s the place where I’m supposed to deliver that mysterious wine you saw me grab that one time. And then the fucking guard arrives, so I resist arrest, and the wine lady fights him with me (because we’re buddies now), and we kill him. I loot, I leave. I want to fast travel now that he’s dead. BUT I CAN’T. I’m being persued by the other town guards!
GF: Which means that of COURSE I’m gonna reload and do EVERYTHING over, because like hell am I letting him take my stolen goods. But I’m angry because I JUST WASTED A HALF HOUR.
Me: Welcome to RPG’s, baby. Losing progress because of a need to reload is a right of passage.
GF: I hate it.
Me: Save often!
GF: I do!
GF: I’m sorry, I’m just angry. It’s not you, it’s me.
GF: I just washed the dishes to release stress.
EGo: In Skyrim you can enchant your own stuff?
Me: Indeed! There is also a cheevo for having 100,000 gold. Which I have hit. And now have piles of fucking money.
EGo: Do you have Lydia just roll around in it?
Me: Didn’t you see my tweets? LYDIA IS DEAD. I KILLED HER BY ACCIDENT.
EGo: Yeah, that’d be when I’d reload.
Me: I did, seriously, at least 50 or 60 times. But then she died in the… What’s the place called…
Me: Yes. Sort of. Sidequest. She died in Blackreach, which is this amazing underground cavern with these giant, luminescent mushrooms. And it was just…uh…beautiful. So I was like, this is a good spot to just let her die. So her body is still down there.
Me: I AM WEIRD. I was like, this is a good final resting place… For someone that ISN’T REAL.
EGo: What about the local digital wildlife? Or did you murder them all?
Me: They are dead. …All of the ones that patrol that area, anyway.
EGo: Good. Peace.
I could watch this forever.
WOW. God is so good. He is so beautiful, His love is eternal, His face is all i long to see…and in His tranquility He shines face down towards me….i would die if i saw His real face so He reflects it in the streams, and the way the wind tumbles through the pines. The swaying of the lumber, the blades of grace….the earth is a real place. We dwell in and throughout it. =D A life abundant, never a life mundane =)
God created Skyrim.
I’M DYING OH MY GOD
talos bless you
This is amazing
Bahahahaha, “TALOS BLESS YOU!” My hero.