Covet A Brainy Tune

conversationsaboutvideogames:

Me:  This Wesley guy is annoying. And a pansy. Annnnndd… cutscene. Oh, he doesn’t look so good. Yes! Blight! Blight! Blight! Blight!

Flemeth:  “What has been done to your man is within his blood already.”

Me:  Thank fuck. He’s going to die.

Aveline (to Wesley): “You can’t ask me this. I won’t.”

Me:  Yes. YES. Kill him! Then I can loot him and give you his badass templar armor.

Wesley (to Aveline):  “Be strong, my love.”

Me:  Yes. YESSSS! Kill him so I can take his armor and put it on you, Aveline. Kill him! Become a badass!

<Wesley dies a daggery death at Aveline’s hand.>

Me: FINALLY! Yes! I’ll loot him, and you will become a motherfucking badass tank.

Flemeth (to Aveline): “Without an end, there can be no peace.”

Me:  MUST. LOOT. DEAD WESLEY.

<The cutscene ends, but the game doesn’t let me loot Wesley’s dead, useless fucking body of his awesome templar armor.>

Me: GAH!

conversationsaboutvideogames:

EGo:  ME3 IS DELIVERED. WHY AM I NOT AT HOME?

Me:  Time to quit your job. Eh? Eh?

EGo:  Well, I have been thinking about it.

Me:  Disregard responsibility. Acquire Mass Effect 3.

Me:  …Would anyone even notice if you left?

EGo:  Well, my father might. Since we drive in together. And he would wonder where his car went.

conversationsaboutvideogames:

Me:  How many hours have you logged in Oblivion, now?

GF:  Um… Over 120.

Me:  YEAHHHHHH! 120 HOURS!

GF:  Dude, I know. That’s… FIVE DAYS. In Oblivion. I don’t think I’ve even spent that long on homework/studying combined so far in this semester.

Me: Also, it’s technically five days in Tamriel, and then a few hours in Oblivion, because you hate Oblivion gates.

GF:  Yes, yes. Minor technicality. I meant Oblivion the game, not the actual planes of Oblivion, but I apologize nonetheless.

Me:  Anyway, me being pedantic aside, how does this make you feel, spending all this time in one game?

GF:  I regret nothing!

conversationsaboutvideogames:

(Note: Normally, I just blog the things that people and I type to each other over Gchat, since I’m usually at work. Today at home, though, I sat next to my GF as she played Oblivion and recorded what was going on. So, you’ll see some contextual explanations about what’s happening on the screen.)

GF:  I’m supposed to go kill some vampires, so why is the map telling me to leave? I think it’s smarter than I am.

Me:  It’s like, “Don’t go in here!”

GF:  “You don’t want to do this!”

<She has her character sneakily walk farther into the cave. Suddenly, a Bloodcrust Vampire comes out of fucking nowhere and attacks her.>

GF: AHHHHH! NO! NO! NO! No no no!

<She uses her fireball spell on him. He disappears.>

Me:  Where did he go?

GF:  I don’t know! He’s invisible!

<The Bloodcrust Vampire reappears. She blasts him again, kills him, and commences looting.>

GF:  Ooooohhh, “Dagger of the Dynamo”. That’s the dagger equivalent of my bow! So I will take it.

<She continues to wander the cavern, frying vampires, wondering why none of them have any good loot. She comes across the mouth of a tunnel where two vampires commence having a conversation.>

Female Vampire:  How are you today?

Male Vampire:  Fantastic—

<She fireball blasts them before the Male Vampire can keep talking. She starts laughing.>

GF:  You’re not doing so fantastic right now!

<More looting and giggling.>

GF:  I hate caves. Anybody home? …I FOUND YOU!

<She shoots off more fireballs at the Bloodcrust Vampires she’s discovered. They disappear.>

GF:  Ohhhh, they’re invisible! That’s not fair, that’s cheating!

Me:  You’re invisible.

GF:  No, I have Chameleon at 5%. That isn’t the same.

<She kills them despite their invisibility and continues on her sneaky way. Another Bloodcrust Vampire almost spots her, but then goes back to his normal routine.>

Male Vampire #2:  Nothing to worry about, I guess. Just my eyes playing tricks on me.

GF:  Ha, you gotta lay off the skooma.

<She fireballs his face.>

conversationsaboutvideogames:

GF:  I am LOST in a MAZE of sewer tunnels! 

Me:  Good thing you can’t smell them.  

GF:  OH MY GOD EXCELLENT POINT.  

Me:  Your poor character.

GF:  It’s too bad they don’t make enchanted nose plugs or something. Or waste-repellant boots, because—seriously—you should see the “water” my character had to walk through.

Me:  Ew. Sewage! …Do they have sewers in Tamriel? Or are they not up to that point of development yet?

GF:  That’s what I was thinking! When is this supposed to take place? I would think a sewage/plumbing system would be too advanced…

Me:  But in Skyrim they have sewers. Up in Solitude, at least.

GF:  But Skyrim takes place several hundreds years later.

Me:  Exactly. In Oblivion, it might be too early for them to recognize the importance of sanitation.

Me: …I can’t believe we’re discussing this. Go kill something with magic!

GF:  …I guess the sewers were just a way for the developers to add more mystery to the game. I mean, the game citizens don’t even have TOILETS.

Me: Seriously, we can’t talk about this any more. Go slay something.

GF:  Why? Is it bothering you?

Me:  No, just, it’s a game. I don’t need to wonder about where the people in Bravil go to take a shit.

conversationsaboutvideogames:

EGo:  THE END IS NIGH!

Me:  The end of Skyrim?

EGo:  The end times as foretold in prophecy!

Me:  Yes. I am the harbinger of doom, because I can’t go back and play another 30 hours of this game just for that achievement.*

Me:  Prepare for Ragnarok.

EGo:  Now I have to look up what that achievement entails.

Me:  Basically, I let ONE person live when I should have killed them.

EGo:  Death is always the answer.

Me:  If I had made this mistake closer to the end of my game, I wouldn’t care. But I screwed up something like 80 hours ago.

EGo:  What are you going to play now?

Me:  I’m going to play, “stare at the wall in self-loathing,” at least for the time being.

EGo:  Ah, I 100%ed that game.

(*Note: the quest that I screwed up was Waking Nightmare. The one time I’m nice and let someone live…)

conversationsaboutvideogames:

Me:  I accidentally killed Ghorbash after clearing a good portion of a dungeon. No recent save, so I’m not reloading.

GF:  Why is it so hard for you to keep your companions alive? How did he go?

Me:  He didn’t drop down into this tunnel shaft with me. Just stayed at the top like a pansy. I know he was up there because I ran all the way back when I didn’t see him with me. I could hear him coughing his orc cough at the top of the hole.

GF:  Haha! That phlegmy cough: the one thing he’ll be remembered for.

Me:  So, when I came back up, I thought he was a Draugr and killed him by accident. I even tried to turn away from him at the last second so my mace wouldn’t hit him, but it didn’t work.

GF:  You animal! Can’t control the bloodlust.

Me:  He was carrying all of my blacksmithing equipment. I had to take everything off his dead body. I’m so over-encumbered right now that not even Strength potions help.

Me:  My max carry weight is 525… I’m at 796 right now.

GF:  Oh no. What are you gonna do?

Me:  Slowly walk out of this mine. And get on Shadowmere.

Me:  I’m finally out.  …This quest-giver is walking away from me faster than I can get to him to turn the quest in. Luckily he got stuck on Shadowmere’s body or he would have gotten away from me.

GF:  Haha!

Me:  On Shadowmere now… Oh my gosh, fast traveling has spoiled me. What is this “riding to the nearest town” bullshit? I guess I could drop some of the stuff I’m carrying… BUT A KHAJIIT DOES NOT LEAVE HIS GOODS BEHIND.

conversationsaboutvideogames:

GF:  Do you know what I just did?

Me:  No, what?

GF:  I’ve been close to becoming over-encumbered, so I went into a shop to sell a few of my wares. The guy likes me, so I’ve been getting a few good deals. And then I come across this Argonian heart that I’ve had for a while. I realize I have no use for it, so I just give the heart to this guy. When I back out of the conversation, I realize that the guy I just gave the heart to is ARGONIAN. I’m a disgrace! 

Me: Argonians are shady characters anyway! He probably wants it to sell it to ANOTHER Argonian.  

GF:  Haha! Thank you; my conscience is cleared. 

Me:  “Ah, yes, Argonian heart. I will take that off your hands. I am just glad that it is not MINE.” 

GF:  You are absolutely right. Silly lizards! …Amphibians? What are they? Are they slimy lizards? I’ve always thought they were slimy because they love water… 

Me:  They’re amphibians*. Argonians can breathe underwater. But they certainly look like lizards.

GF:  Yes. Okay, at least my confusion is justified.

GF:  …I want an Argonian!

Me:  They’re PEOPLE! You can’t just HAVE one. …But you could BE one. 

GF:  I don’t want to BE one. I one as a pet… Or a friend. I really just want to touch one. I want to touch an Argonian’s butt!  

Me:  Then we can take you to the zoo and you can pet a lizard.

Me:  ARGONIANS ARE PEOPLE TOO. You can’t just touch their asses. That’s sexual harassment. 

GF:  Haha! I love how seriously you’re taking this.

GF:  I know they’re people! That’s why I felt so bad that I gave an ARGONIAN merchant an ARGONIAN heart! This whole incident makes me think of, “I’d be an abomination!” 

Me:  Argonians and Khajiit will buy anything. I wouldn’t feel guilty.

GF: Okay! I don’t anymore.

(*Note: I went later and checked; Argonians are definitely reptiles. My apologies to my GF.)

conversationsaboutvideogames:

GF:  Oh my gosh!  

Me:  Eh? 

GF:  I love this game.

Me:  But… Yesterday, you hated it. 

GF:  That was yesterday. I was speaking from a position of anger.

GF:  Anyway, I’m still trying to kill all of the members of the Draconis family. I just happened to tell one of them that I was going to kill her. Then she ran after me, so I ran into the Fighter’s Guild, and all my bros there took out their swords and killed her for me. 

GF:  And THEN you hear them sheathe their swords and say, “Oh, how are you?” to one of the other guys. And they proceed to have a lovely conversation as if nothing happened.

GF:  And I didn’t get a bounty put on me for killing the chick.  

Me:  That’s because they did the dirty work for you.

GF:   MWAHAHAHHA!

conversationsaboutvideogames:

GF:  Oh, no… Oh, NO. I think I killed Shadowmere! 

Me:  OH NO!  …Can you loot him?

GF:  I am a Silencer of the Dark Brotherhood, but never before have I felt the cold sting of death. …Can I loot Shadowmere?  

Me:  Is he really dead?  

GF:  I don’t know!  

Me:  If he’s really dead, I think you can loot him.  

GF:  He’s gone.  

Me:  He’s GONE?   

GF:   Here’s what happened: I rode Shadowmere to a cave, but then the sky turned all red, as it does when you’re close to an Oblivion Gate. And then I see Shadowmere running off. I’m all, “Wait, wait, wait!” Next thing I know he’s fighting these giant… dinosaur-type things.

GF:  And now I’m like, “Crap, now I need to kill these shits, before they kill my horse.” So I do. But in the process, Shadowmere looses consciousness twice! When the fight is over, Shadowmere goes limping off, down the snowy mountain, and so I use a couple of my Heal Other scrolls. And then he just keep walking away. I figured he’d stop, but he kept going!  

Me:  So, he ran out on you.

GF:  Yes!  

Me:  He’s a fair-weather horse-friend.  

GF:  Exactly! I don’t blame him. I led him into a trap, really. But he didn’t HAVE to fight. He could have just stayed away. But nooooo.   

Me:  If you fast travel, he’ll probably show up stabled at an inn.  

GF:  Oh, but wait! So at this point, that’s what I think will happen. I just go into the damn cavern, kill the 5 vampires I’m supposed to kill, acquire really badass loot, and then leave. But Shadowmere’s nowhere to be seen. THEN I start to panic.

GF:  I fast-travel to the Cloud Ruler Temple, to finish up this one quest, thinking Shadowmere will be out in front like normal, but he’s GONE.  I searched down the road, and nothing! I don’t know if he escaped. Like, “Fuck you, I’m leaving.” Or if he’s dead.

Me:  Fast travel and find out already! The suspense!  

GF:  Okay, okay, okay.

<pause>

GF:  Oh, sweet Jesus….  Dear Lord… THALOS, WHY??? Shadowmere is gone.  

Me:  Talos. 

GF:  I am not concerned about spelling in a moment like this. I cannot contain my grief. I worked so hard to earn him…

Me:  There’s always reloading.  

GF:  I’m not reloading. That mine was too difficult. I’ve gotten too much loot.  

Me:  Bye bye, Shadowmere.

GF:  NO. NOOOOO! I’m at a stable right now, and they don’t even have my old Paint Horse! He probably left me forever once I got Shadowmere. I don’t blame him, either.

GF:  I’m not meant to have horses. I didn’t sign up for that kind of responsibility.  

Me:  You’re going to run everywhere, now?  

GF:  Or fast travel… And now I’m being devoured by a mountain lion. What is my life coming to?

(Note: My GF eventually searched the internet, and found a tip saying that she—Shadowmere is a she!—will respawn at Fort Farrugot. So, they were eventually reunited, and rode happily into the sunset. There was one mountain lion harmed during the writing of this blog entry.)